Do your Thanksgiving plans pass the deathbed test?

There will be three empty seats at my family's Thanksgiving table. My husband, his little brother and my father all died in one year's time. If they were alive, they wouldn't miss it for the world. In addition, there will be no sweet dog under the table waiting for someone to drop food. If he were alive and well, even he wouldn't miss it.

I assume if you're reading this, you're alive. In my opinion, being dead is the only good reason for missing a Thanksgiving dinner you would have attended had the presidential election results been different. Some of you were planning to be there but you're following the advice of many disgruntled Harris voters and rejecting your family and/or friends because they voted for Trump. Please take more time to think before doing something you can't take back. 

And if you're a Trump voter who won't shut up about how his winning is the greatest, please appease your loved one who is upset about how you voted, stuff your mouth with turkey, and let it go for a day. 

I understand these things can be very upsetting, and I empathize. I've been there. The presidential candidate I voted for hasn't won my state since I began voting in 1984. Sometimes my candidate won the general election, but I've been on the losing side of the presidential election five times. I doubt many voters have had uninterrupted winning streaks, so we've all been where you are now, and it sucks. 

Since the election, there's been a lot of bad advice going around leading people to do some pretty distressing things. Women shaving their heads; vowing to abstain from sex; saying they wrote off their sister "and it felt so good;" people ending online "friendships" with people they now consider Nazis; grieving, confused parents reeling after being told by their children not to set a place for them at a holiday table ever again because of how they voted.

On MSNBC, a psychiatry resident affiliated with Yale advised people to skip the holidays with family if they voted for Trump. “To say, ‘I have a problem with the way that you voted because it went against my very livelihood, and I’m not going to be around you this holiday, I need to take some space for me,’” she said. 

"Take some space for me" when it's not all about you because there are other people at that table.

If you're disappointed, upset or devastated about the election results, you've had a couple of weeks to deal with your feelings. So now it's time to do a little exercise: 

• Picture yourself on your deathbed. (It may be easy for those who've faced their own mortality or who've experienced loss. It may be harder for the young or those who've never lost anyone, but try to picture it anyway.) Pretend someone who loves you is there holding your hand and asks, "Is there anything you regret? 
  
  
• Dig deep and be honest with yourself.  If you dump family or friends because of this election, will you think of the person you rejected in 2024 and deeply regret it on your deathbed?
  
  
• Ask yourself: Will you be able to fix it, make it right? As someone who lost my best friend to politics, I can say from experience that deathbed reconciliations, while better than nothing, ring hollow because of the time lost before your loved one died. I thought we'd have time to fix our friendship when cooler heads prevailed, but she got sick and died. Love isn't a faucet you can turn on and off. Though you're estranged from your loved one, chances are if one of you is leaving this earth, love will win. 
  
  
• Ask yourself why you're choosing loss for a politician who'll never know your name. I promise Kamala Harris won't be by your side holding your hand as you pass. The same goes for Donald Trump. No matter how much time, money or emotion you've poured into this election, you don't know or love these people. They don't love you.
  
  
• It's time to get real, and the only thing in this world that's real is love. If you love someone, or if you are loved by someone and you're willing to throw it away over politics, you'll probably live to regret it. Ask yourself if you'd rather have a few difficult discussions about your differing politics or die with regret.
  
  
• What if it's not you on the deathbed? Maybe it's your grandma, one of your parents or, God forbid, a child. Maybe you won't be there holding their hand at the end because you let something as ephemeral as the politics of this moment destroy the love in your real life. Maybe sudden death will take away the chance for a deathbed reconciliation, and you'll be left with no choices at all. Just loss.
  
  
• Think about your family gathered around the Thanksgiving table and know that any one of them could be gone by next year. This could be your last chance.

Indulge my lecture because I know loss. I'm a relatively young widow who had no close girlfriends to help me through it because I'm the only one of us who made it out of her 50's. The last few years have been a growing snowball of death, and I know it's not over. Your parent or grandparent would likely die for you. They might give you more than they can afford to give to keep you from being homeless or hungry. Your real friends, the ride-or-die kind who've been with you through everything aren't replaceable. These people and the love they have for you are a gift, and as the saying goes, they aren't like busses. There won't be another one coming in 10 minutes.

So please rethink your decision to end relationships with loved ones over this election or any future one. I know the stakes were high. I know each side believed this was the most important election of their lifetimes. I believed it. I've been around long enough to bet this won't be the last time we believe it.  

If your post-election relationship problems don't pass the deathbed test, then please suck it up and spend Thanskgiving with your family. Realize that though you think you're punishing them by skipping Thanksgiving, you're hurting yourself too. Try to make a pact with your loved ones not to discuss it. If Uncle Joe won't shut up about it, don't punish mom and dad for it. They'd throw themselves in front of a train for you, so get on one and go see them. 

Our loved ones may die and leave us, but our regrets won't. If you decide to go to Thanksgiving dinner with despite your political differences--even though it's hard, even if it's not fun--I bet you won't regret it on your deathbed.